Seeking a housemate. Dogs very welcome.

Hello. 

I have a house in Mile Oak (Overdown Rise) - which is a quieter part of the city of Brighton and Hove. It is a very safe area situated on the edge of The South Downs. There are horses, cows and sheep within a short walk away and a direct country path straight to Devil's Dyke.

There is plenty of free parking around, usually right outside, with no permit necessary, and the area enjoys easy access to both the A27 / A23. It is also very close to the terminus of the 1 and 1X bus route (and the night bus) which means there is always a bus ready. These take you straight to Portslade Rail Station (with direct trains to Gatwick and London Victoria), in to town or the RSCH.  I work in the centre and use the bus everyday. I can say with confidence, it is not an issue and very reliable. A cornershop, GP, chemist, coffee house, takeaways, a yoga centre and a decent gym are also just a few minutes walk away. A big Sainsbury's is a short drive.

Please note that whilst the Falmer campuses are a very quick and easy car drive away, using public transport can take a long time. For mature students, Portslade Library is about a 20 minute walk away where you can study there all day.

The house is in good order with fully working goods. There are two bathrooms, so never a queue. The shower room is basically yours - but not an en-suite. The house enjoys a comfortable lounge with two sofas, a decent TV and Sky Sports along with a separate dining room and a good sized kitchen.

The bedroom is a single and includes a small double bed with a new mattress and furniture. There are lots of storage options around the place, and an attic for longer term storage if required. However, if you have loads of stuff and more clothes than a jumble sale, this place may not be for you. Also, I do not require any additional furniture.

Regarding pet owners, I truly love all dogs and am very experienced living with them, although I do not have my own. There is a small secure garden for a sniff around and emergency whoopsies (which you pick up!) with plenty of excellent dog walks nearby - just one minute from the Downs.  Also, I do not mind dogs on the sofas, if you allow so. It is their home as well. I am open minded to all other animals upon discussion, but you will have to sell the idea to me. Dogs are the best!

Also, I can not indicate "protected" characteristics in an advert but please consider I am a conservative (small "c") man in his early 50s. Do you think I would have much in common with a person in their early 20s who saw Barbie and is still hyperventilating at Wicked? I also work in a very male dominated environment, so it would be nice to have some decent female company who do not flex their alpha muscles all the time and eat vindaloos for the sake of it like my male colleagues. Also, nose rings through the actual bone between the nostrils - like a bullock, makes me feel giddy.

On a similar note, I would not be a great match to live with if you harp on about "spirituality" or the life changing wonders of meditation all the time. Nor believe some overpriced fruity tea from an independent shop will save you from cancer or even a common cold.

All that said, I am an easy going guy who works normal hours (Mon-Fri) and enjoys a good cup of normal Yorkshire tea and a chat. I watch a broad range of quality TV, films and sports and listen to, what I consider to be, good music.

The house and garden are, however, strictly non smoking and vaping. To be honest, I do not wish for somebody in my house who smells. This is not a prejudicial statement, smokers and vapers stink. And vaping isn't as cool as you think it looks, trust me.

Due to me being in bed at a reasonable hour on work nights, I would prefer to live with somebody who works normal, regular hours. I really, really, really do need my sleep. So with apologies, bar / restaurant workers and 6am morning joggers or risers may not be compatible. To be frank, I am ready to snooze around 10.30pm and rise around 7.15am Mon-Fri. I seem to get on well with teachers, as long as they do not moan about "the system" too much. They are also, on the whole, fairly intelligent and good raconteurs.

The rent, I believe, is competitively priced - especially as I am happy to have a pet or three, and includes ALL your bills. It is projected at non-home workers (unless you are willing to cover daytime heating bills) and advertised for single occupancy. Guests are of course always welcome - this will be your home, but due to security, privacy and noise issues, I would prefer no over-nighters. I do not wish to meet a naked stranger on my hallway at 3am in the morning nor hear the sounds and muffled grunts of adult activity. This is not a Travel Lodge. I also eat meat, but do not mind living with vegetarians.

For compatibility reasons, a detailed profile with a photo is probably best. Where you live is a large part of your everyday existence and very important. Therefore, people who simply lay down a few lines or use the defaulted profile and/or reply with a badly written basic sentence or two will more than likely be ignored. As will people who have clearly not taken the 5 minutes 43 seconds to read this entire advert and actually absorb the facts.

Further, room-seeking adverts which clearly contradict my simple preferences will probably not be answered. All profiles, for example, that request an en-suite, state females preferred, requires a double room, are smokers, could not live with somebody over 40, wants a central location, show a photo of you at some anti-establishment march etc. etc. etc. will more than likely have been marked as unsuitable by myself in the first place.

I have had some fantastic housemates over the years and hopefully will find another. I am fully aware that the general tone of this advert comes across as serious. My view is that it is honest. Living with "live in landlords" is a slightly different dynamic to shared houses. It is NOT like living with your parents, but at the same time NOT like living with a bunch of drunken mates making noise at 2am in the morning and leaving Pot Noodle cartons everywhere.

Regarding short term lets, to be honest by the time I introduce the person to the house, clean before they arrive and clean after they go, lose my 25 percent council tax discount, change my house insurance details, blah blah blah, I am not really interested - sorry.

Lastly, I am not desperate for a housemate, otherwise my advert would be simpler and to the unwise - perhaps warmer. After I pay all the bills, buy all the housey stuff and decent loo roll etc. - I will make around £12 per day from my new housemate. If you consider this is less that one hours overtime at work, hopefully you will understand why I can afford to be choosy. Live in landlords do not earn a lot from taking in people, contrary to many people's belief. And after I pay my mortgage, I can assure you, you will have more money than me. Read between the lines and you will realise it all makes sense. Some profiles on here really do not have a clue about council tax and the price of utilities nowadays - I actually cringe reading some of them.

If you are a non-smoking/vaping, normal hours working, humorous, intelligent person who realises that Mile Oak is NOT anything like Kemp Town or London Road, who does not have tonnes of stuff and is preferably a female dog owner, you are a good match. Further, if you watch Corrie and EastEnders - as I previously said "quality TV" along with the odd crime series and thriller/horror film, enjoy music such as David Bowie, Suede, Morrissey, and The Beach Boys, drink normal tea, support Spurs, despise rap and grime music along with the hideous Coldplay, are not too "hippified" (i. e think it is cool to dress like an Uzbekistani goat herder) and know how to wash up - we will probably get along. And of course you must have a modicum of sarcastic and/or sardonic humour within your personality. I am not judgemental in the slightest, I just judge a lot.

If my requests are too much, there are about 500 other places available on Spareroom in Brighton, although not many who accept dogs. So good luck.

Please reply with any questions. My emails are checked fairly regularly, although I do not have my phone insecurely glued to my hand all the time waiting for it to flash or bleep. If you do not hear anything from me within a reasonable timeframe, please ignore my advert. And please stop sending messages saying "Is the room still available?" - of course the answer is yes, otherwise I would take the advert down wouldn't I? And stop simply saying "When can I view the room?", as if I would want somebody just to come around and view without even knowing their name. Just a few points on these inane questions I am sent........

1. Yes, of course I would expect you to view the room, but I can fairly much guarantee it will meet your requirements by simply looking at the photos (sorry I am not David Bailey), undertaking a simple google map search / bus timetable search / area search etc. yourself or asking me questions if unsure on any aspects.

2. It is me who has the final decision on whether you live here or not, so please try and sell yourself and stop thinking you are the one holding the cards. Sell yourself with a modicum of interest for Christ's sake. Prove to me you have actually read my advert and make me interested. 99.9% of people say nonsense like "I am clean, I am tidy, I am quiet, I like to socialise but enjoy my own company....blah blah blah. View it almost like a job interview. Make some kind of impression. And if successful we would be work colleagues. I am not expecting a reply akin to my advert, but please people............have some vim.

Regards,

Andrew.

PS There is a chance you can earn some extra money through dog-sitting at the weekend. I am happy to advertise with dog-sitting companies where we can split the responsibility and money. But if YOUR dog is not a dog mixer, I will never do this.

PPS If you wish to tidy (weed) the garden and take the waste to the dump, you will be remunerated.

PPPS You can decorate the bedroom if you wish, although it does not require it.

PPPPS I do not do video calls/viewings.

PPPPPS I will probably ignore people who overuse the exclamation mark. Such as "Hi!...I am Sarah! I love Brighton! I work in an office! I eat food! I drink water! I am tidy! etc. etc. etc. Yes, I have used a few, but when one uses them to inform the reader about non-exclamational, rather dull life events and situations, it shows a certain type of person I do not wish to share a house with!

PPPPPPS Spot my grammatical mistakes and I will genuinely donate £5 to an aminol charity (except the lack of dots between the P. S's, as spareroom seems to misspace them. Ergo, I have written them sans dots on purpose.

PPPPPPPS Whilst I may not like nor enjoy some aspects of modern things (for example, I believe Ed Sheeran is little more than an average busker, and Love Island and Married at First Sight are awful) variety is truly the spice of life and I really am not some old grumpy pants.