£23pw each: 2 room to let in large, double glazed

SMS text messages will NOT be answered - detailed emails only - so please
1) Read ALL of this advert - every single word right down to the very bottom!
2) RESEARCH whether this flat is in the right location for you (address, latitude & longitude in Google maps?)
3) Only then
(AFTER you have switched your brain on, already read ALL of this advert, done your research and hit the orange 'Message' button to the right to send me ALL the details I ask for below),
4) phone me for my DIRECT email address or to answer any remaining questions.
Regard this 4-phase procedure as an intelligence/comprehension test.
You need good, cheap accommodation - I don't just need a little of your money each week, I need a little of your brain power too!

****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Although missives have now been concluded for one room, you may still wish to email me your required details in case the provided references prove inadequate or unsatisfactory...
****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******

Two large, double rooms in my 3 bedroom flat are available long term.
Best would be if I found sisters or brothers who DON'T SMOKE and are clean, hygienic and reliable to share my home and each pay me £23 per week.
Yes, you did read that correctly, the rent is only TWENTY THREE pounds sterling per week since I don't just need a little of your money, I need a good brain too that can both read and write and speak English (since my Afrikaans, Cebuano, Chewa, French, German, Kalanga, Ndebele, Shona and Spanish is rather limited) !

I'm often away from home for up to 13 weeks at a time travelling all over Scotland but I continue to pay all of the Council Tax (including water and sewage charges).

You do need to be a NON-smoker and I neither read NOR RESPOND TO TEXTS - careful and detailed emails, please! (Please read and try to understand every single word below, since if you ask me questions when you phone which already have an answer below, I will conclude you either can't understand simple English or can't be bothered to read and stick to agreements and consequently are an unsuitable candidate.)

This three bedroom flat with a large lounge is warm and snug since all windows are double glazed. There is a small, west-facing balcony.

Please read ALL this ad so you write back with ALL the information I need. (If you don't include your contact phone number or the other necessary details I need then you'll not get a reply from me!)

This top floor flat is in a 3 storey block at 41 Dervaig Gardens, Upperton ML6 7TN with just 2 flats on each floor of the block. The whole flat is double glazed with good views. Both available rooms are large enough for king-size beds and the larger one has built-in wardrobes/cupboards. New fitted kitchen. Small bathroom with electric shower over bathtub.

There is a 101 bus route operated by McNairn Coaches but this service is only every hour with the last bus out at 18:05 (service 181 on Sundays) so this great accommodation is probably more suitable for people with vehicles. Plenty of parking is available and people consider this rural and isolated estate a very low crime area.

As you'll appreciate, the rent is very low so that I can choose only lodgers who will cause no problems and look after my home long-term and communicate efficiently in English.

Each family member pays rent of £23 each week in advance and this includes Council Tax but obviously not all your food and toiletries. You will also have to pay about £5.31p per week for unlimited, fast (38 Mbps) fibre broadband from SSE. There is no gas supply to my home and electricity is on a pay-as-you-go tariff with Utilita that has no standing charge.

A performance bond of £350 and one week's rent in advance is payable BEFORE you get the keys - not after !

I have taken the time and effort to give you the information you need to make an informed decision - now go to a desktop computer and take some time to write me what I need to know rather than just wasting your time and mine by not including a phone number but instead asking some redundant variant of 'Is the accommodation still available?' (This advert will be taken down just as soon as I've found the right people for both rooms).
No email with ALL the details I require (don't forget your contact phone numbers) means NO REPLY!

Your email needs to include as a bare minimum
i) your FULL and correct legal name (as on your photographic ID)
ii) your correct postal address to write on the lodging agreement
iii) information about you so I can choose - eg where you work, if you have a car, how long you'll stay, etc
iv) all your phone numbers
Include all the above and then I'll quickly phone you to arrange a prompt viewing.

My home is NOT registered as a 'House in Multiple Occupation' (HMO) but the law is that
'any dwelling which is occupied by persons who comprise no more than two families is exempt from HMO registration in Scotland [Part 5 of the Housing (Scotland) Act 2006].'
If I'm counted as the first family, any additional occupants therefore need to be members of the same, second family.

In other words, each of you must be
'a) aged 18 years or more and not part of a resident couple
but
b) related to each other as members of the same family.
[You are considered to be a member of the same family if you are the parent, grandparent, child, grandchild, brother/sister, uncle/aunt, nephew/niece of the other person. This also includes relationships by marriage or by half-blood, and children who are fostered, adopted or otherwise brought up as a member of the family.]'

I'm getting a lot of deficient one or two line responses and nuisance calls from people that have either not bothered to read what I wrote above or have not understood it.
You do need to be able to comprehend written English and write emails in English.
It would also be great if you had a vehicle since the bus service is only every hour.
[ Please don't ask me where the flat is - the address is above, so look it up in Google maps BEFORE you phone!
55.919415, -3.909793 (or 55°55'09.9N 3°54'35.3W) ]

Minimum stay would be 10 months or so and you would have to leave after I die
(in about 15 years or so at my age according to actuaries
Google: Scotland government statistics life expectancy areas in Scotland ).
Mr C. J. O'Keeffe.